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How To Win A Player

October 17, 2011

Despite the advice of older, wiser women, many girls still think they can win the heart of a player.  For those girls, I’m going to tell you how it’s done.  First let me give you some back story.

I used to be a notorious player.  In many circles, I still am notorious.  I’d date multiple girls at the same time, sometimes girls who knew each other.  I felt absolutely no guilt about doing so.  Then something happened, or rather someone happened.  I started falling for a girl I was dating.  I was freaking out.  For a player, this was a huge problem.  Eventually, Katy Redbush got me into a serious relationship.  People were shocked.  What set her apart from other girls?  How do you win a player?

Let’s start with the basics.  You must be very attractive.  Being cute doesn’t cut it.  When men are asked to describe you, they should use words like hot, sexy, beautiful, gorgeous, etc.  You can’t be a slut, not even close.  If your notch count is in the double digits, you’re done.  If your notch count is even approaching double digits, you’re out of the running.  A player has been with enough promiscuous women to understand the great risk in committing to them.  They’re not worth it.

These two criteria alone will eliminate the vast majority of women.  There’s one final element.  You must be nice.  Yep, just nice.  So many girls are catty bitches that just by being nice you can set yourself apart.  If you’re considerate and appreciative, you will stand out.  Unfortunately, very attractive girls know that they will get male attention even if they act like bitches, so many of them behave like little tyrants.  But when it comes to get married, those girls are going to lose out.  A girl like that may find some rich chump, but he won’t be the type of man who excites her.  A confident man would rather be alone than with a girl like that.  Yes, being alone is better than being with a slut or a bitch.

In order to win a player, you have to be better than the alternative.  No, the alternative is not some other hot girl.  The alternative is a variety of women.  Men value variety.  You must be better than variety.  You have to be attractive enough to maintain his sexual interest.  You have to be chaste enough to be worth investing in.  You have to be pleasant enough to spend time with.  That’s the key.  A man should believe that he would regret giving you up, not in a week, not in a month, not in a year, in ten years.  He should feel that spending time with you is better than having sex with dozens of other girls.

30 Comments leave one →
  1. October 17, 2011 12:22 am

    Sounds like winning a player is mostly accomplished in the actions you take before you meet the player. We call this “left of boom.”

  2. October 17, 2011 10:47 pm

    i like this. i was never a “player”, but i’m behind this 100%. great post mon frer. this is getting a ping.

    “be better than alternative”. indeed. good luck finding that though.

    and yes, being alone (for a man) is MUCH better than being saddled with some bitchy hole.

  3. October 18, 2011 9:35 am

    Kane,

    I’m fascinated. I’m also curious – Katy Redbush was chaste – how long did you wait to have sex with her? How does a chaste woman display her pleasant personality and relative chasteness in the three dates max that men will wait? How is two weeks enough time to make him think “I might want to lock this down”?

    Or did Katy start out as a fling, you went for Round 2, kept hooking up with her and eventually decided she was worth it? And if the latter, how did you know, or trust, that she had had a very limited number of partners?

    • October 18, 2011 7:38 pm

      if i know she’s not a slut. i can wait for the sex. i’ve slept with enough women to make sex not such a big deal if i have a decent girl in my sights. i can very easily wait for the “physical” aspect of a relationship. when it’s right, it’s right and will happen naturally.

    • October 19, 2011 10:18 pm

      I waited 3 dates. She was appreciative and considerate enough on those dates that I maybe would have waited until the fourth date, but I definitely wasn’t thinking she was serious girlfriend material by that point. It was clear to me that she was nice and I enjoyed her company more than other girls, but she was definitely taking a risk on me. Certainly by the 6th or 7th date, it was clear to me that she had real potential. I usually ruled girls out of that category on the 1st date.

      I suppose I just had to trust that Katy was honest about her past. She had been in serious relationships before and I read her as the type of girl for whom casual sex wasn’t acceptable. I definitely wouldn’t have considered her for anything serious if I thought she was dishonest about her past.

      • October 19, 2011 11:04 pm

        Thanks so much for the info. Here is a situation where the woman took a big risk and it paid off. This is what I’m trying to figure out – if and when to take that chance. No easy answers.

  4. Sabina permalink
    October 20, 2011 10:35 am

    I read this post a few times. But what, specifically did Miss Katy Redbush DO?

    And why would she tolerate a player if a good girl?

  5. Sabina permalink
    October 20, 2011 10:37 am

    Rephrase: since I believe women in their most feminine state are responders, how specifically did she respond to you?

    • October 21, 2011 7:04 pm

      I would describe Katy’s personality as bright. She’s bubbly and friendly almost all the time. She didn’t respond to me much different than other girls, but her default behavior was just much nicer than other girls.

      I wouldn’t call her a good girl, just a quality girl.

  6. October 20, 2011 8:46 pm

    Kane,
    Katy sounds truly like a catch for any man. What made her feel comfortable enough to take the chance with you? How did she know you wouldn’t walk, given that you were a player at the time ya’ll met?

    • October 21, 2011 7:02 pm

      She didn’t know. She took the risk. Like any normal girl, she was attracted to the fact that I was good at getting other girls.

    • October 23, 2011 11:53 am

      ” You can’t be a slut, not even close. If your notch count is in the double digits, you’re done.”

      How did Katy keep her number low? I’m assuming she didn’t sleep on the third date with a most of men—and if she’s very attractive, she’d have a lot of opportunity—otherwise her number would be higher. (Unless she’s very young).

      “I wouldn’t call her a good girl, just a quality girl.”

      That’s why I asked what made her “comfortable” to take the chance with you. If she was a “good girl”, then sleeping with a player would make her very uncomfortable. If she’s “just a quality girl” then she’s very selective with who she sleeps with.

      “She took the risk.” Does this mean she was looking for a relationship when she slept with you? And hoped that it would happen, despite the fact that you were a player?

      Or she was just taking what she could get—the experience—because attraction was enough, and a relationship wasn’t necessary?

      K: IDK. Maybe she’ll decide to answer.

      • KRB permalink
        October 25, 2011 7:51 pm

        @Bb
        Yeah, really great questions. I suppose that I should speak to these myself instead of just enjoying the view from the sidelines. 🙂

        “How did Katy keep her number low?”

        I would consider myself to be serially monogamous, and so I had several previous partners, all of which were my serious boyfriends at the time. Now, of course, that begs the questions of ‘why hadn’t you married any of them?’ and ‘how old are you?’ To that I would answer, that although they were all good people, they were not even close to being as exciting, interesting, or “alpha” as Kane…oh yeah, and I’m in the late 20s-early 30s range. 😉

        “…then sleeping with a player would make her very uncomfortable.”

        I didn’t know anything about Kane’s modus operandi when we began dating so I didn’t assume he was a player. But, I’d be a fool to assume he wasn’t different/popular with the ladies (due to his behavior and style of dress) and so I guess I enjoyed him and our dates enough to take the risk. And note that I consider myself a good judge of character, so I was not afraid of going toe-to-toe with an experienced man (which I may not advise many to do). I will add too that I my previous relationship had been with a seriously juvenile man, and so I was looking for a man with more experience (be careful what you wish for 😉 ).

      • October 28, 2011 8:45 pm

        Thanks for weighing in, KRB, I appreciate it!

        “I didn’t know anything about Kane’s modus operandi when we began dating so I didn’t assume he was a player.”

        Had you known, would it have made a difference?

        “But, I’d be a fool to assume he wasn’t different/popular with the ladies (due to his behavior and style of dress)

        So you hadn’t seen him in action with other women? Kane says, “Like any normal girl, she was attracted to the fact that I was good at getting other girls.”

        “…so I guess I enjoyed him and our dates enough to take the risk. And note that I consider myself a good judge of character, so I was not afraid of going toe-to-toe with an experienced man (which I may not advise many to do).”

        You knew it was a risk—I’m assuming this was out of the ordinary for you—were you expecting a relationship to evolve? Or were you thinking this was just going to be fun and casual?

      • KRB permalink
        October 30, 2011 6:40 pm

        “Had you known [he was a player], would it have made a difference?”
        >Absolutely, I wasn’t interested in casual sex with him or anyone.

        “So you hadn’t seen him in action with other women?”
        >I didn’t know him before he asked me out, so I hadn’t seen him in action early in our relationship. Over time, people began to tell me that he had a reputation, but I am not a fan of the rumor-mill and chose to assess him myself.

        “Kane says, ‘Like any normal girl, she was attracted to the fact that I was good at getting other girls.’”
        >His ability to “get other girls” was based on hearsay and labeling as a “player” by other people (and my assumptions based on his looks and smooth demeanor), but I guess it did excite me to think that he was likely in demand.

        “You knew it was a risk…were you expecting a relationship to evolve? Or were you thinking this was just going to be fun and casual?
        >Falling in love is a risk for anyone, whether you are male or female. And that level of risk changes depending on the dynamic to that point. To be clear, I assume that you are asking how I felt when we first slept together (i.e. our 3rd date and no knowledge of his past). At that point, I had really enjoyed our first few dates and I thought that he was “into me.” We had a great rapport, lots of interests in common, and he took me to lunch for our second date so it seemed that he wasn’t just in it for sex.

  7. Doug1 permalink
    October 21, 2011 1:29 pm

    I think she looks way hotter (and very damn hot) in the first pic with long hair of a more natural looking auburn color, than in the second pic where it’s not even quite shoulder length.

    • October 21, 2011 7:05 pm

      I agree that the first girl is hotter, but the second girl is both more beautiful and sexier.

  8. michela permalink
    October 23, 2011 1:38 pm

    Kane, I am sure you are a good dude. And I think you are right about the “better than variety” thing. That’s how you “win” a player. But here’s a question: why would a girl want to “win” a player?? I am an attractive single girl in NYC. I know several of guys– my friends!– who were players and are now married to the most chaste, nice, cool and HOT girls ever. Serious catches. And you know what? These guys are still players. I know it because I see them in action. Perhaps you are an exception, but I still believe, “once a wolf, always a wolf.” I am calling bull poo-poo.

  9. October 23, 2011 3:55 pm

    michela,

    Girls want to win players because, by definition, they are very attractive to women. They wouldn’t be able to be players if they didn’t. That these “serious catches,” who could have their choice of any number of men, chose to mate with players indicates the players’ attractiveness and market value.

    “These guys are still players. I know it because I see them in action. Perhaps you are an exception, but I still believe, “once a wolf, always a wolf.” I am calling bull poo-poo.”

    Perhaps you could elaborate on what you mean by “they are still players?” Are they cheating on their wives? Flirting with other women? It’s not entirely clear from your comment but it sounds like you’re confusing players and cheaters. A player is someone who eschews monogamy. A cheater is someone who does so but under the cover of a monogamous image. I’m not aware that Kane has ever done that. If Kane was “a notorious player” then it’s fairly open knowledge that monogamy wasn’t his bag – until he found someone who was really worth giving up all the other girls for.

    It’s fashionable to deride players as pathological, as a diseased state of humanity. I think that concern is overblown unless there’s dishonesty involved.

  10. October 24, 2011 9:43 pm

    Michela, I think the real question is “why are women attracted to players?” Part of the answer is as Badger posted above. And then, “If a man is a player, will he be happy in monogamy?” We don’t even know if Katy requires monogamy, but Kane has mentioned above that as long as his sexual interest is maintained by one woman, he’s at least happy.

    Also—I don’t see where Kane ever advocates that a woman should try to win a player. But if they do, here’s the 3-step process…

    As long as there are women who remain attracted to and seek out players, they’ll never go out of style.

  11. mjay permalink
    December 13, 2011 4:16 pm

    I love women, and, having been married, can’t stand marriage.
    Men should enjoy this post-feminist Slutopia while it lasts.

    Sure, we love to have a woman to come home to, to be there when the chips are down, but let’s be honest – those days are gone.

    It is the era of SlutWalk and MuffWalk (!).

    Have a girlfriend. Keep a few in rotation also. Men should enjoy life, now that our reward for being noble and self-sacrificing is….punishment and scorn.

    Play the field, keep it real, but don’t go down to the farm and ask to be enslaved again.

  12. Mel permalink
    November 3, 2012 5:07 am

    wow…i had to skip through so many posts because it seems most are supporting that a sexually free woman is a slut..WTF? I call bullshit! I’m 30 yrs old, RESPECT MYSELF, have been in a few very serious monogamous relationships, AND VALUE my right to my sexual freedom as a single adult female. Who the hell has the right to say that anyone should have a maximum or minimum amount of partners?? or should be judged by them?? Ugghhh!!!

    • November 12, 2012 8:36 pm

      Men worth having will judge. Everyone has the right to judge the past of a potential mate.

      • C_La permalink
        December 2, 2012 12:54 am

        Maybe you and KRB can help me out. I’m looking for some others point of view on a “relationship” I’m in right now. Not sure if I’m being played or it’s just my own fears of being played trying to blind my vision of something potentially great because I scared I being hurt from past experiences. if you have the time to hear out my story! I’d try to condense it here but I’d rather give some details to show why I get caught up and confused. Does my email show up here?

  13. Miranda permalink
    January 18, 2013 11:57 pm

    Hello,
    So look, I like this guy. Let’s say his name is Derek. I met him a month ago and sparks flew. We talk alot and have a bunch in common, it’s fun to be with him. But then my close friends, Lily and Emily, liked him. He said he liked us all. Over time they couldn’t take it anymore and just quit on him, like Lily hates him now and Emily barely talks to him. They get mad at me alot when he flirts with me.He asked me if i had my first kiss. So last friday he started going out with this girl, Sarah. He saw that I was upset over it and asked to talk to me alone. He said that even tho he’s dating her, his feelings for me don’t change. He also said that he loves me. We’re standing there and he leans in and gives me my first kiss(btw im 14) He cheated on her!All my friends are telling me things about him and I’m worried. Another girl, Daisy said they had a thing last year. They made out and stopped talking. The thing is he hasn’t stopped talking to me and waits for me outside my classes. What should I do??I really love him.

Trackbacks

  1. Winning a player « dannyfrom504
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