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The Secrets To Online Dating For Women

September 20, 2011

More advice from Hot Carl.

Regardless of what you do, you will get a ton of messages. Here is how you get a good guy.  Don’t lie on your profile, it will only make things worse once you meet in person. Get a good photo of yourself face and full body shot, classy not slutty. Don’t make yourself look like a party animal. Mention your sexual escapades in a vague manner if you are looking for sex. Don’t mention them if you are looking for a relationship. (A phrase that looks similar to: “I did some crazy things in the past, but now I want to settle down a bit” is the BIGGEST red flag you can send.) Don’t focus on your achievement or career. Focus on you femininity and personality. Do include your interests. (A girl who has traveled a lot is usually seen unfeminine and slutty. Feminine girls don’t travel a lot. And guys usually translate travel to country X into getting fucked by guys from country X. Be aware of that.) It is okay to say what you like in a guy. But do not write a 100 point list of what you want in a man, it makes you look like a bitch. Focus on what kind of personality you click with.

Do not use generic adjectives. Basically you want your profile to be so unique that a man would want to write the message to you from scratch, instead of using a template.

Try to get a feel for the guy you are talking to, but don’t play hard to get. Playing hard to get is a turnoff and it is so easy for the guy to walk if this is just some messages online.

Here is the biggest thing. Take an active role in online dating. Browse guy’s profiles. If you think you found a good one, message him. Girls rarely take initiative, and guys will appreciate that. If you message the guy first he most likely respond, and be more genuine with you.

There are some safety precautions that you should take though.  Basically, you should take steps to filter out the creepy guys but without making them jump through too many hoops. Don’t worry, the men on the internet are not as scary as they are made out to be. You won’t get killed or raped if you a looking for dates online, but by being cautious you will save yourself from a lot of bad dates.  Remember, the longer the conversation is kept online (especially if it’s kept on the dating site) the less the chance are for you two to meet. You run out of things to say online, you become disinterested, you say something stupid. Let the conversation progress towards a meeting in person. Basically try to remember your encounters with guys in real life and compare the timing with what is happening online.  Do not give the guy your real phone number right away. What is a good idea to do is to open up a new gmail account, then use that account to get a google voice number. The e-mail, g-chat, and phone number are easy to get and are not tied to your regular life. Google voice lets you text for free.  If you are feeling brave/adventurous you can give the guy your google voice number quickly and while chatting over the dating site’s messaging system. But do that only because you are scheduling a meeting with him. If you are a more cautious person and don’t want to meet with the guy after the first few messages, it is okay to check him out a little bit. But don’t string him along, let the two of you chat over IM. That is what g-chat is for. You can have a safe real conversation with the guy this way. Once again, don’t keep things online too long. Stay away from short conversations. You just need to find a time when the two of you can have ONE real conversation over IM in real-time. Both of your personalities will show and you will get a pretty good feeling for who you are talking to. One good conversation is enough, playing hard to get and stringing the guy along even before you meet in person is not a good strategy. Schedule a meeting in a public area and give the guy your google voice number if you want to make finding each other easier. Relax and enjoy your date.

I know how you girl hate confrontations, but! At any point of the whole online dating process, a calm and polite but straightforward and firm rejection will save you from trying to ignore a lot of awkward messages and in a few very  rare cases from having to call the police.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. September 20, 2011 12:29 am

    Brilliant stuff.

    “A girl who has traveled a lot is usually seen unfeminine and slutty. ”

    It seems like every woman online where I live loves travel, cooking, new restaurants and Mad Men. Women have so much to gain from being even a bit original. It’s like most of them just threw up profiles for the thrill of getting messages from tons of men they can silently reject.

    As far as endless conversing…if 2/3/4 email exchanges and one (maybe zero) IM conversations doesn’t give you enough confidence as to whether or not you want to go on a date with the guy, you don’t. It’s a first date, not a betrothal – it doesn’t require a perfect match, but at the same time don’t waste time on a bad prospect because you like the attention.

    As a guy, if a woman demurrs when I ask for her number (always within three messages), or asks to have more conversation, I conclude she’s back-burnering me in favor of better prospects. This happened to me once, she went silent and hit me up six weeks later for a date…being dumb I bit, and then she didn’t even return my voicemail after she gave me her number to set it up. So much for strong independent women.

  2. September 20, 2011 7:14 am

    Great post, Kane, and a nice bookend to the men’s version. Thanks very much for the link.

  3. September 20, 2011 1:08 pm

    I have one other recommendation for women when they are writing a profile – add some things as to why she would make a good girlfriend or more.

    What does the woman offer a man in the context of dating and relationships?

    • September 21, 2011 12:36 am


      When I wrote a similar post for Susan’s blog, I got email from (among others) a young woman who had a very dynamic, interesting profile. The only thing I could add was, “put a statement about what you have to offer a man in a relationship.”

      She pushed back, saying it sounded too “50’s housewife” or something like that. I repeated the advice and then went quiet. Modern women of all stripes have been steeped in feminism and “don’t take any shit from a man,” and are very averse to giving off any perception they are willing to humble themselves for men despite the fact they are by and large hungry for male attention.

      It’s a major arbitrage opportunity for women who can swallow their pride for five minutes and actually play to men.

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