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The Secrets To Online Dating For Men

September 15, 2011

This guest post is from my friend Hot Carl.

I want to give my thoughts on picking up girls on the internet.

First of all, this is a very important warning to guys that are just starting out to learn game: Gaming girls on the internet exclusively will never give you all the skill you need to successfully pick up women in real life.

The reason that I like using the internet to find women is very simple. It is very low effort and very convenient. If a guy wants to pick up girls, he has to go out actively at night every week with the intent to pick up women. A guy has to create opportunity by making his time available, even when we are talking about day game. Regular pickup is time consuming and often leaves you with a choice between hanging out with friends, or going out to meet new girls. This in not all bad, and you will have fun doing it, but you get my point about all the effort.

Picking up girls online, on the other hand takes almost zero effort. You have a 10 min break at work, fire off a couple of greetings. Waiting for code to compile, browse some profiles. In a boring meeting, chat over IM with some chick. Taking a shit, use that smartphone you go to find you a date. Basically, any time you have a few minutes to spare, you can create an opportunity to find a girl. It is a great augmentation to your normal escapades.

In terms of demographics, in my experience the women on dating services in US are mostly white, so if you have a preference for other races you will have fewer choices. If you live in large technologically savvy metropolitan centers (New York, Silicon Valley) you will get all manner of options. If you live in less populated areas however, you will typically find girls that are dating online because there is at least one thing wrong with them.  It’s not always bad, sometimes that one thing wrong is being tall, or being nerdy. For some girls it is being generally older. And of course you get the fat or crazy crowd. But the good news is that the quality of the crowd trying to find dates online is improving with time.

When you make your profile, pick out good photos. Getting one professional looking photo is good, but don’t go overboard. Have your photos look natural, full of action. Refrain from typical mug-shots and drunken buddies hugging photos.

The same goes for the text portion of your profile. Refrain from generic adjectives and interests like: outgoing or music. “Outgoing” does not mean anything, and being interested in “music” usually means you are surgically attached to an ipod. Be specific, creative, full of action, and mysterious. What makes you “outgoing”, you organize events for your friends or people in general?  If so put that in.  If you do any anything with music besides listening to it, put that in. Otherwise, shut the hell up. Don’t lie, but describe your work in creative ways. If your work really sucks, at least show drive and ambition.  Basically try to look alpha.

If you message only a few girls at a time, you can take your time to write a uniquely personal message to every profile you see. But once you pick up your pace, you will inevitably start to use templates. The fact is, the majority of girl’s profiles say pretty much the same things and even if you type your message from scratch, you will find yourself writing pretty much the same stuff. (Sorry girls, but the fact that you get messages from 100 guys a day means that a guy messages 100 girls a day and if you want a unique and extremely personalized message you have to work on an extremely unique profile too.) A good message template should leave space for you to personalize your message in more ways than just inserting a few adjectives or interests. Your personalization of the template should be in a form of complete sentences and should come with a feeling, a way you relate to it, or an invitation to partake. (“You are from xxx, I’m from xxx too.” Is bad. “Hey, you are from xxx? Don’t you miss property of xxx?” Is much better. ) Challenging her, and making her qualify herself is great.  You practice and try to improve both the generic portion and the style of your personalized portion with time.

After the initial message, there are no more templates. You just wait for her to respond. Once a girl responds, your goal it to keep your interaction over the dating site as short as possible, at the very least transition to AIM/g-chat as quickly as you can.  IM allows you to chat in real-time and gives you a lot more of her attention than chatting through the dating site or e-mail. Girls are usually apprehensive about giving out their phone number online, but much less so with IM tags. Don’t be afraid to ask her to meet quickly but don’t be creepy about it, and allow her to fall back to chatting once. Asking her for coffee/drinks is better than asking her for a “date”.

But here is the thing. Once she replies, your time is ticking. The longer you stay talking to her online, the smaller the chance of meeting her in person. You should quickly build rapport, slightly escalate, find a good excuse to meet, make plans.

Your initial message is your opener. Talking afterwards is building rapport/escalation. Transitioning from the dating site to IM is like a change of venue. Scheduling a time to meet is the close. After that it’s the first date. Think of it in those terms and react accordingly and apply the same principles as with regular pickup. (But remember for interactions online you should tone things down a little bit. Emotions do not transfer well over text and the stupid things you say may hit a lot harder without your body language there to soften the blow.)

Finally I would like to mention one thing that I have yet to see other posts mention. Craigslist! I actually had very good experiences finding girls over craigslist. It is like a dating site on steroids. On a typical site you see the same profiles every time you search and you just scroll deeper and deeper down the search results or hope new profiles show up. Craigslist gives you a set of new posts every day. I have had good luck on both romance and casual sex sections, both posting ads and replying.  With both posting and replying to ads, tone down the sexual deviant in you, otherwise, go bold or go home. Pick two or thee photos of you, but make the as unique as you could get. Make the text two to three paragraphs short, but no generic attributes, put forth your best features, be artistic. But don’t pour your heart out leave some mystery.

Be prepared for some spam and fake posts. And be aware that men post a lot more ads, so your post will be pushed to the back rather quickly. So make more than one post and think about your timing.  Use the amount of traffic to really hone your writing well. Don’t be frustrated if you don’t get any results for the first few weeks on Craigslist. Once I got the hang of it, I find girls on CL flake a lot less than those on the typical dating sites.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. September 15, 2011 8:14 am

    I don’t do the whole chat/IM thing, where there’s more room to screw up and not end up with a date at all. I try to set the date within 2-3 messages (on each side) and then give her MY number. If she wants to text before then (they usually do), the ball is in her court and they’re more willing to go along — even the fresh ones.

  2. AnonymousDog permalink
    September 15, 2011 11:40 am

    Pay attention to how long it’s been since a woman logged in to her profile on a dating site. If its been more than a couple weeks, chances are she will never be back, and sending a message to that profile will be a waste of your time.

    CL? I no longer bother to respond to ads posted by women. Ninety percent of them are scammers (at least in my area), and of the non-scammer women who responded to my initial message, none have responded to my second message. I’ve had much better luck posting my own ads.

  3. Hot Carl permalink
    September 15, 2011 3:16 pm

    Gmac,
    It’s good to push for a meeting in person right away. But in my experience 2-3 messages each is a bit too strict of a rule. Too many opportunities lost. Same with giving MY number, it gets ignored. With IM I try to get ONE good continuous conversation. If I get that, I get a better than 50% chance of setting up a date.

    ADog,
    Casual Sex section of CL does have a ton of spammers, but you can find 90% of them before you message them. I use an e-mail account that is exclusively for spam prone activity, of course. Also, with casual sex, it’s best to be able to write your second message and escalate quickly. If you wait a few hours, chances are some guy already talked her into getting fucked by him. Posting your own ad is much less stressful, I agree. Plus that way the girl is chasing you, which is always good.
    The dating section of CL is much less intense and competitive though.

  4. September 20, 2011 12:06 pm

    I’ve got some additional information about the system I use:

    http://theprivateman.wordpress.com/2011/02/15/online-dating-a-short-primer/

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